The Upside to the End Times


It will probably happen when I’m least expecting it.  I’ll be sitting in some dingy cafeteria, eating a grilled cheese sandwich, reading the latest copy of Action Comics when the sky starts raining blood.  Actually, it is almost guaranteed to sneak up on all of us and certainly ruin our day.  And our lives.  Like a thief in the night, it’ll be upon us and all our plans and expectations, memories and dreams will simply have to end.  Sorry, the benevolent energy that’ll cause it all will say to us as we all are dragged with our fingernails digging into cement sidewalks on to some next existence, this is just how it’s supposed to go.  You have only yourselves to blame for being alive during the apocalypse.

I’ve been noticing a lot of talk and writing and freaky shit in general going on about the impending doomsday.  The Mayan calendar say 2012, December I believe, and they were right about WWII, weren’t they?  Yep, just as we’re all gearing up to exchange presents mindlessly again to our loved ones and acquaintances, honing in on that magical day when love and suicides are at their peak: KABLOOIE!  The punch line finally is delivered and this joke called existence will finally get a few chuckles from the peanut gallery.  I’ll most likely will laugh as much as the rest.

Not that I’m not scared out of my wits about it happening.  I mean, come on, I was raised Catholic for Chrissakes!  I’m certain that Catholics have the highest percentage of members who have actually met their deity.  Of course, when they find him, they usually don’t want anything to do with him.  He really hasn’t changed all that much since Old Testament days.  And he’s just itching to stir things up!  Fire and brimstone, demons running amok raping and pillaging like berserker Vikings, a giant bearded dude appears in the air and allows about one percent (if that!) of the population into his hands and then they blast off to the ultimate resort spa leaving the rest of us to fight off zombies and mutants with baseball bats.  Hmmm… Well on second thought, maybe ‘scared’ was the wrong word to use.  ‘Excited’ maybe?

Really, honestly now, truly, I am looking forward to it all.  Sure, all my plans for the future are probably going to have to change when I have the undead to contend with since all the police officers, politicians, religious leaders and government officials will have left Earth to play racquetball, but the thought of cruising through the streets on a stolen motorcycle with a weed-whacker for a hand is much more exciting than what I’ve got going for me now.  All the vital information those post-apocalyptic and horror movies gave me will finally be put to use and that’s why they were made, right?  Public Service Announcements?

More likely, human kind will evolve into its next stage, work with a single mind, burst into a beam of pure energy, and blast off to join some galactic assembly.  However, this is boring and I hope we get the former option.  Transcendental enlightenment or brawling it out with a vampire-fish demon over the world’s last can of Cheez-Wiz?  I’d take the vampire-fish any day.

So why sit there all pent up and angry, or comatose with worry, because deep in your bones you know that all that you have done, in fact, all that human kind has ever done will all come to naught because of extra-dimensional beings we can never hope to comprehend?  Your best bet is to go out and rent some informational movies that’ll help you better prepare for the barren wasteland that will soon be our planet.  Because running Barter-Town is certainly better than working in the methane mines slopping pig-shit for the rest of your life!

(This Message Was Brought To You By The Mad Max: Beyond The Thunderdome Is The Greatest Movie Of All Time Committee.)